In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
