Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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