he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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