She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
