I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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