It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
