??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
