I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I don't deserve a penis
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
