On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I love you.
Bad choice
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
