Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
only you would photoshop your dick
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
