Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
