The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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