so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Found your dick twin last night
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
