what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
