drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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