is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
