we have pet lesbian snakes
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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