I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
