I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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