hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
