Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
