The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
