Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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