i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize