i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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