Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
