fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
