My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
