for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
