She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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