I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
