If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
