I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
