I just saw a hot homeless man
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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