My sheets look like a crime scene.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I am one with the molecules
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
