I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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