nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
