there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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