Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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