One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
