Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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