My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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