I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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