So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
