Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
