On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
