If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
