The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
