You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
