I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
