Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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