I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
