I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's not a walk of shame if you run
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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