I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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