So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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