Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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