Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
