Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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