No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
