Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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