somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
