im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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