So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
